Parent #1 is Arian Foster
More likely than not, parent #1 is your mother. Of course, all families are different and parent #1 may very well be your father, a step-parent, or another important adult in your life. In any event, parent #1 is the parent who wakes up early on Thanksgiving morning, and starts cooking away. While you are watching football, parent #1 is setting the table, mashing potatoes, and stressing about the turkey in the oven. Parent #1 is generous, humble, and content knowing that you are happy. Just as parent #1 is the key to Thanksgiving dinner’s success, Arian Foster is key to your fantasy team’s success. Arian doesn’t ask for much. He lacks the big name or the commercial success of Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, and Brett Farve. He is a virtual unknown outside of the fantasy world. But nonetheless, he produces for your team. Arian has single-handedly won games for you while your big-name wide receivers (Chad Ochocinco, Randy Moss, and Brandon Marshall) have struggled mightily. Take a moment to thank the Arian Foster in your life for consistently being there for you through the good times (Peyton Hillis, Brandon Lloyd) and the bad times (Ryan Matthews, Steve Smith (Carolina)).
Parent #2 is Michael Vick
Parent #2 is the parent or parental figure who seems to enjoy giving you a hard time. He or she told you to turn your music down, eat your vegetables, and clean your room. Why? Because he or she said so. Parent #2 is often stubborn, demanding, and critical. But on Thanksgiving, he or she pulls it together to make the best pumpkin pie this side of the Food Network. Perhaps you wonder how something so sweet and succulent can come from such a dark and evil place. Perhaps you reluctantly recognize that beneath the tough exterior, parent #2 really does care about you. Parent #2 is there for you when you need him or her… just like Michael Vick. Reluctantly, you added this abusive ex-con to your fantasy team. And perhaps you felt guilty savoring the 8 touchdowns he accounted for against the Washington Redskins. But you will take it. In fact, you need it. Michael Vick’s success has more than compensated for lackluster performances from Shonn Greene, Beanie Wells, Ryan Matthews, etc. This Thanksgiving, be sure to thank the Michael Vick in your life for pushing you to be your best. You can go back to hating him or her tomorrow.
Your Younger Sibling/Cousin is LeGarette Blount
You remember your younger sibling/cousin wearing diapers, squirming in a car seat, and drinking apple juice out of a sippy cup. He or she idolizes you, and wants nothing more than your approval. Although he or she may be an adult, you still refer to her or him fondly as kiddo, little guy, or worse yet- ‘the baby.’ On Thanksgiving, your younger sibling/cousin volunteers to make the stuffing. Eager to make the family proud, he or she runs out to the store and returns with craisins, nutmeg, focaccia bread, and other ingredients you fail to recognize. Maybe he or she has grown up and even experienced successes, but still, something feels wrong about leaving Thanksgiving in the hands of the little guy. Such is LeGarette Blount. Perhaps you drafted LeGarrette in the hopes that he would turn into a superstar. You nurtured him on your fantasy bench as he sat by looking up at Adrian Petersen and Arian Foster. You were so proud of “little” 247-pound LeGarrette when he posted 120 yards and two touchdowns against Arizona. He runs with conviction, like a man on fire, eager to prove to you that he deserves to start on your fantasy team. You look at his upcoming games against the Ravens and Falcons, and wonder whether he can really lead your team into the playoffs. He inspires both pride and anxiety. Perhaps it is now his time to shine, and the real question is whether you have the courage to recognize this. This Thanksgiving, please thank the LeGarrette Blount in your life for fulfilling his or her potential, and earning your respect.
Your Aunt/Uncle is Chad Ochocinco
Families are insane. It is an indisputable scientific fact. Amidst the orgy of ridiculousness, indignation, and pandemonium, there is one person who stands above the rest. This is your aunt or uncle who proudly rips the heart out of normality, announcing to the world… “I am the crazy one.” Seriously, this person probably needs some sort of psychiatric help. On Thanksgiving, your aunt or uncle arrives in dramatic fashion. As you attempt to decipher his or her tales of conquest, you think to yourself: what was it he or she was supposed to bring to this dinner. A soggy tray of store-bought yams sits in a white plastic bag at the edge of the counter. Meanwhile, your aunt or uncle captivates the family with his or her romantic adventures and brags about an article of clothing that costs more than your house payment. But all the glitz, glamour, and unfiltered insanity fails to overshadow his or her pathetic contribution to the Thanksgiving meal. Like your aunt or uncle, Chad Ochocinco is a master of madness. This is a guy who literally changed his name just to spite the NFL. He demands the spotlight. He dances the tango on “Dancing with the Stars,” sports a blonde mohawk, and pitches his own brand of contraceptives on national television. If you own him on your fantasy team, you have had to put up with his over-the-top antics. But your team has suffered from the nasty yams he brings to your fantasy team feast each week. Despite his hilarious twitter posts and endearing smile, you cannot overlook the fact that he has exceeded 100 yards receiving just twice this year while failing to reach 50 yards in six games. This Thanksgiving, you should thank the Chad Ochocinco in your life for keeping you entertained and keeping things interesting. Just make sure he or she is in charge of being the turkey- not cooking it.
You are Reggie Bush
While everyone else is working hard to make sure Thanksgiving is a success, you are taking it all in on the sidelines. You show up late to dinner, but your family is just happy you made it. Your male relatives try hard to pretend that they don’t miss your ex-girlfriend. (Let’s just call her Kim K.) Parent #1 reassures the family that you have profound potential that you will someday realize when you find the will to apply yourself. Parent #2 criticizes you for never visiting home and failing to take on challenges. Your younger sibling looks at you with adoring eyes, innocently unaware of blemishes or disappointments. Your contribution to the meal is a bottle of white wine that you purchased at a grocery store on your way over to dinner. The wine tastes good, getting better with each sip. Your family slowly lets their guard down. Like you, Reggie Bush has tremendous potential. He is a hybrid running back/wide receiver, with talent that is hard to defend. But he has been absent with injury for most of this year. After missing eight straight games, Reggie is ready to get back in the game and contribute to your fantasy team. This Thanksgiving, remember that it was your family who was there with you through your Super Bowl victory and your NCAA National Title. And it was also your family who was there with you through your Heisman Trophy revocation and your high-profile relationship failures. Perhaps you should consider sharing more quality time with your family just as Reggie Bush commits to contributing to your fantasy football team for the rest of the season. So long as that quality time does not interfere with life’s most important thing… your fantasy football team.
-By Kevin Hammon
4 comments:
Very cute. I think I have an ochocinco in my family!
I think my girlfriend would be represented by Jacob Tamme. Came out of nowhere to make my life just wonderful; now we're inseperable...
Hmmm...I'd have to say my girlfriend is the Chiefs's running game...a two-headed monster
Yeah Cory, well you must be the son of DeAngello Williams and Shonn Greene because you've been a colossal disappointment all year, and it's about time I drop you
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